Introduction
Performance reviews. For many, they feel a bit like a trip to the dentist: no one’s exactly thrilled to go, but you know it has to happen. For both managers and employees, it’s often a moment they look forward to with some nervousness. You prepare, make sure you’ve got everything in order, and hope the conversation goes smoothly—without discomfort or awkward silences. And yet, no matter how much you prepare, it sometimes feels like you have to perform under pressure.
But here’s the thing: if you only start working on your relationship with employees during the performance review, you’re already too late.
“The secret to a successful performance review isn’t in the nice words you use during the meeting, but in everything you’ve done beforehand.”
It’s a bit like trying to bake a cake without gathering the right ingredients first—you can stir all you want, but without eggs, it’s not going to work. Or like brushing your teeth only the night before your dentist appointment; that’s not going to prevent cavities. Investing in strong relationships with your employees needs to be an ongoing habit, just like brushing your teeth every day, so that the review conversation doesn’t turn into a painful surprise.
Team Affection: The Key to Feedback That Actually Sticks
To have a meaningful performance review, feedback is essential—but that doesn’t mean it’s always easy. The goal is for the feedback to truly land and make an impact—and that takes more than just conversation skills. To make feedback stick, you need to see it as a tool in your communication toolbox. Feedback is a powerful mechanism that’s often used, and for it to actually have impact—and to prevent it from evaporating the moment the employee walks out of the meeting room—there has to be a foundation of trust and connection. That might sound vague or soft, but this is exactly where ‘team affection’ comes into play. Feedback only works when employees feel seen, valued, and genuinely cared for. In the academic world, this is referred to as ‘Leader-Member Exchange’ (or simply LMX).
That’s really just a fancy term for the quality of the relationship between you and your team members. The better that relationship, the more likely it is that feedback will be seen not as an attack, but as an opportunity to grow together. With a strong relationship, feedback feels like a way to develop further, rather than a mandatory test you have to pass.
These factors together determine how receptive someone is to feedback and how effectively they can process and use it.
Why Investing in Relationships Makes All the Difference
The quality of your relationship with team members not only influences how well feedback is received, but also how likely they are to act on it—and even how likely they are to actively seek it out. It all comes down to mutual connection—because let’s be honest, no one asks for more dentist appointments unless they truly believe it’s going to help! When there’s a bond, a sense of mutual trust, employees are much more inclined to take feedback seriously and use it. It no longer feels like criticism, but like something you can both grow from.
With a strong relationship:
– Feedback is more readily accepted because the employee understands it doesn’t come out of nowhere, but stems from a shared understanding and trust.
– The employee feels a greater sense of responsibility to do something with the feedback, because more is at stake: the mutual appreciation you’ve built together.
– You’re able to have more honest and in-depth conversations, not just about tasks, but also about the challenges the employee faces and the goals they aspire to. This leads to more targeted and personalized feedback.
“The secret to a successful performance review isn’t in the nice words you use during the conversation, but in everything you’ve done beforehand.”
Tom Nijsmans
Alright, But How Do You Actually Do That?
You might be thinking: “Nice story, but how do I actually build that strong connection with my team members?” Here are a few tips to get you started:
- Invest in small conversations
It doesn’t have to be complicated. Sometimes a short, genuine check-in can do just as much to strengthen your connection. Ask how things are going, show interest in their ideas, and make sure you’re available. Those small moments add up and form the foundation of trust—which makes performance reviews a whole lot easier. Kind of like realizing the dentist visit isn’t so bad after all, because you’ve been brushing your teeth all year. Less scary, and far fewer cavities!
- Make feedback a two-way street
Ask your team members for feedback too. Show them that you’re committed to growing and that their opinions matter to you. This strengthens the relationship and turns feedback into something you do together, not something you impose. And let’s be honest—nothing’s more dull than a one-way street where you have to come up with everything yourself, right? Collaboration is always more fun—and way less stressful!
- Be consistent and fair
People notice when a manager treats some employees differently. Consistent, honest communication doesn’t just foster a sense of fairness—it also builds stronger bonds. Let everyone know that you’re equally engaged and fair, no matter how well you personally click with someone. Yes, even that one colleague you’d rather chat about office plants with than have a deep performance discussion—everyone deserves the same attention!
- Be mindful of the balance between positive and negative feedback
Did you know that the way feedback is received depends heavily on the perceived balance between positive and negative input? And here’s the catch—it’s not you who decides the balance, but your employee’s perception. So actively ask about their experience and stay aware of how your feedback is landing. Nothing is more demotivating than feeling like you’re constantly getting scolded. Make sure your positive feedback isn’t just a soft lead-in to criticism, but genuine appreciation. And yes, sometimes it takes effort to find that balance—but it’s kind of like brushing your teeth with a broken toothbrush: not easy and definitely no fun. Just like you won’t avoid cavities without proper brushing, you won’t deliver truly effective feedback without finding the right balance.
- Keep learning about your role as a leader
Keep growing as a leader! Reflect, engage in dialogue, and explore how you and your colleagues exchange feedback and strengthen each other. At The Tipping Point, we believe this is so important that we created a dedicated training for it: ‘Your Feedback Compass as a Leader’. Here, you’ll learn how to give effective feedback and how to embrace your role in building a feedback culture. Curious? Check it out: Feedback compass: Build a feedback culture in your team. Want to learn more about how to create a constructive feedback environment within your team? Read this blog: How to Develop an Effective Feedback Environment: 7 ‘buttons’ to Adjust.
Conclusion: Performance Reviews and Relationships – Why a Strong Connection Changes Everything
Performance reviews that truly resonate don’t start with perfect phrases or the ideal structure. They start with a strong relationship. Invest in your people throughout the year, show genuine interest, and build that trust. Because at the end of the day, everyone wants a manager who sees more than just performance metrics—they want someone who sees the person behind the work. By consistently nurturing the relationship, the performance review becomes a natural extension of the ongoing dialogue you’ve had all year. It no longer feels like a surprise test, but rather a shared reflection on the journey you’ve taken together and the steps that lie ahead. This way, the review transforms from a one-off evaluation into a meaningful development conversation—one that centers on ambitions and growth.
Sources
- Erdogan, B., & Bauer, T. N. (2010). Differentiated leader-member exchanges: The buffering role of justice climate.Personnel Psychology, 63(4), 707-733.
- Graen, G. B., & Uhl-Bien, M. (1995). Relationship-based approach to leadership: Development of leader-member exchange (LMX) theory of leadership over 25 years: Applying a multi-level multi-domain perspective.The Leadership Quarterly, 6(2), 219-247.
- Ilies, R., Nahrgang, J. D., & Morgeson, F. P. (2007). Leader-member exchange and citizenship behaviors: A meta-analysis.
