A strong feedback culture is crucial for success.
Feedback: it’s just as essential as it is sometimes uncomfortable. We all want to improve, always hungry for advice that can help us move forward. But it can sometimes feel like a cold shower when we receive criticism that doesn’t align with how we see ourselves. Companies are grappling with how to turn feedback into a force that helps everyone grow. In this blog post, I will walk you through 2 psychological ideas that clarify why this is such a delicate dance and why a good feedback culture is so crucial for the success of your organization.
“Receiving feedback, no matter how constructive it’s intended and given, often still feels like a cold shower”
You know that feeling, even in personal contexts! For example, you’ve spent the whole day slaving away in the kitchen and are very proud of your signature dish that you’ve served to your guests. You ask, with some expectations, whether they enjoyed it.
You: “Did you like it?” Guest: “Yes, it was very good, but for me, it was a bit too salty and I might have served a different sauce with it.”
Very often, this feedback affects us more than we show, and we tend to defend ourselves in our response.
This simple yet so recognizable situation perfectly illustrates what is meant by the double-edged sword of feedback. We strive to get better (hello self-improvement!), but we also want to feel good about what we’re already doing (self-promotion, be ready!).
The Internal Struggle Within Ourselves
Our reaction to feedback depends on an inner duel between two drives: the urge for self-improvement and the desire for self-promotion. These are our “self-motives,” the internal forces that determine how we perceive and handle feedback.
When self-improvement takes the lead, we’re all ears: “Tell me how I can grow!” But when self-promotion takes over, we quickly build a wall around our ego: “I’m doing just fine, thanks.”
Self-Promotion: Red Button Mode!
Self-promotion is that red button we press when we feel under attack. We look for compliments, compare ourselves to someone who’s doing ‘worse,’ or only remember the things that put us in a good light.
The self-promotion motive (or self-enhancement) is a bit like choosing the right Instagram filter for your photo: you show what looks good and hide what doesn’t. We all do this from time to time, because of course, we want others to see us at our best.
Take Max, who loves being in the spotlight when his team gets compliments for their work. He’s the first to talk about that time his chart saved the presentation or how his jokes lifted the mood. But when his coworkers suggest there might be a mistake in his numbers, Max pulls back. He quickly shifts the conversation to everything that went well and quietly hopes everyone forgets that little slip-up.
By focusing on what went well, Max tries to prevent people from questioning his abilities. But by not really listening to the less flattering feedback, he might actually miss out on a chance to improve. It’s kind of like only reading the nice comments under your photo and ignoring the rest. Feels safe—but you don’t really learn from it.
Self-Improvement: Press the Green Button!
Self-improvement is that green “Go for it!” button we press when we’re open to learning new things—even if it means facing our own weaknesses. It’s when we truly listen to what others have to say about our work or behavior, even if it’s not exactly what we want to hear.
Imagine Sofie sitting in a project meeting and a colleague points out a mistake in her report. Instead of getting defensive, she sets her ego aside and asks for more details. She’s not afraid to learn and wants to grow, which means she sees all feedback as valuable.
But Sofie’s mindset works best when she feels safe—in a team that supports her and where making mistakes is okay. It’s like learning to ride a bike with training wheels. You know you might wobble a few times, but those training wheels are there to catch you. That’s how Sofie feels supported to take risks and step outside her comfort zone—because she knows her team will be there to catch her if she falls.
Red or Green? The Art of Feedback with the Right Distance.
So, how do we get everyone to hit the green button – the one for self-improvement – and actually feel good about it? Here, ‘psychological distance’ is the magic word. That might sound complex, but it really just refers to how close or far away something feels. If something feels far off, it’s easier to take lightly. But if it’s right in your face, it tends to hit a lot harder.
Let’s bring that to life with a real-world example: When your boss gives you feedback about something you just did, it can feel like a punch in the gut.
But how can we increase this so-called ‘psychological distance’?
Here are 3 tips: one for you as the feedback receiver, one for you as the feedback giver, and one last one about how to ask for feedback.
1. Know your triggers!
Everyone has certain sensitivities—things that trigger us more than others. Think of it like a power outlet. We all have different “outlets,” but what gives us a jolt varies. That means it’s important to understand both your own triggers and those of others, so you can anticipate and manage them. Want to know more? Check out our blog from a while back about triggers!
2. Create safe conversations:
Feedback from your boss can feel harsh—but that really depends on how it’s delivered. If the conversation focuses on looking forward and how you can grow, it won’t feel like a slap on the wrist, but rather like a high-five for the future.
So, what makes feedback conversations feel safe? Well, there are four key elements your feedback should include:
- Future-focused: Make your feedback more about tomorrow than yesterday. Talk about what your employee wants to achieve, not just what went wrong. This reduces performance pressure and celebrates progress. Even a small win deserves a little happy dance.
- Make it goal-oriented. Talk about how far someone has come and what their next small steps could be. When you focus on progress instead of just the end goal, people feel much more at ease.
- Strength-based: Instead of only pointing out what went wrong, offer a compliment about what’s going well. A “you’re doing great” goes a lot further than a “this needs work.”
- Reflection-oriented: Taking a moment to reflect together on how someone feels about their own work can be powerful—but it needs structure. Not just a quick “So, what do you think yourself?” in passing, but a real, intentional conversation.
3. Encourage feedback-seeking behavior!
We’ll wrap up with this final tip for both managers and HR professionals. One of the key concepts for creating a constructive feedback environment is getting employees to actively seek out feedback themselves. Imagine you’re giving a presentation to a management committee, and you’re (understandably) pretty nervous. You prepare well, do your best, and it actually goes better than expected. Then, right after your presentation, you hear: “Can I give you some feedback?” That might cause you to hit the red button hard.
What can help create more psychological distance here is to ask for feedback ahead of time. If you’ve already asked certain people before the presentation to give you targeted feedback afterward, then you’re much more likely to press the green button instead of the red one. Try it—you’ll be surprised at how differently the same feedback lands. The more people ask for feedback, the smaller the psychological distance becomes, and the more likely it is that feedback will actually be used.
Conclusion: Push the Green Button
As leaders, we need to be aware of the paradox of feedback and the internal struggle between the red button (self-promotion) and the green button (self-improvement). By understanding our own triggers (and those of others), creating a safe environment, and making feedback future-focused and centered on personal growth, we can help our employees press the green button of self-improvement. That’s how we overcome the paradox and turn feedback into a powerful tool for both personal and professional development. In the upcoming blog posts, we’ll dive deeper into how to put this into practice. Stay tuned!
Sources
- Alicke, M. D., & Sedikides, C. (2009). Self-enhancement and self-protection: What they are and what they do. European Review of Social Psychology, 20, 1-48.
- Nira Liberman & Yaacov Trope, Construal level Theory.
- Schollaert E, Mertens S., Van Theemsche B. & Jacobs G. (2022). Beste Medewerker, hoe gaat het?
